Hello rich white obese male America, and welcome to HEADlines with DICK Hatenberg, where we discuss the news from the conservative, I.e. correct point of view.
MAN BURNS DOWN HOUSE, BLAMES OBAMA
First item on our list is a story about a Mr. Ronald Gary Bailey, a 49 year old white Minnesotaman who was charged with first degree arson and possession of a pistol by a mentally ill person, after setting his own house on fire.
When firefighters arrived on the scene, Bailey yelled at them to hurry up so that he could quote “start the rest of my house on fire,” explaining at the top of his lungs that “the CIA implanted a computer in my brain and body.”
Later, while in custody at the Hennepin Country Medical Crisis center, Bailey claimedthat it was President Obama who was responsible for the fire, because the CIA and FBI bugged his house because he was the “first half-man/half-robot created by the government.” Bailey then wento n to threaten to destroy his entire neighborhood with fire if he was released.
A criminal complaint against Mr. Bailey asserts that neighbors heard multiple gunshots prior to the fire, and that a .380 caliber pistol that Baily was carrying was confiscated en route to the Medical Crisis center.
Well, there you have it – not only is the Obama administration’s big government policies literally driving people insane, but they are now putting people in psychiatric facilities and labeling them mentally ill, just for having mainstream republican political beliefs.
First Obama implants a computer into this man’s brain, turning him into a cyborg-american, and then he has him arrested for burning down his own house – his own private property – and then the government uses this as an excuse to take away his pistol, his only means of defending himself from the tyrannical nanny state and its firefighter thugs.
Now let me be clear: Mr. Bailey was clearly mentally ill. But, just because someone is is mentally ill, doesn’t mean that Obama administration isn’t putting mooslim computer chips in my brain in order to make me have homosexual impulses.
For commentary we turn to political maverick Alex Jones, who joins us from Fort Worth Texas. Alex?
Alex Jones: The Obama administration is putting New World Order Mooslim computer chips in my brain to make me homosexual.
I’m a cyborg! Back to you dick!
Dick: Thank you Alex.
WHITES DO MORE DRUGS THAN BLACKS, BLACKS ARRESTED FOUR TIMES AS OFTEN
In other news, the homosexual news outlet Bloomberg News is reporting that according to a new study published in the General Archives of Psychiatry, black teenagers in the United States are less likely to use drugs or alcohol than native i.e. white Americans. According to the study 39 percent of white teens enjoy drugs and alcohol, while the rate is only 32 percent among young blacks teensmen and teenswomen. Meanwhile the pro-North Korea New York Times reports that although white and black adults use marijuana at the same rate, blackmen are arrested at four times the rate of whitemen.
Well, clearly this means that the police departments of America’s metropolises are doing a great job keeping dangerous Africans off the streets so that whites can enjoy our recreational activities in peace.
THE CONSERVATIVE CASE AGAINST “AFFLUENZA”
Finally, there has been much ado about the “Affluenza” drunk driving case, wherein rich white 16-year-old Ethan Couch received no jail time for killing 4 pedestrians of unspecified wealth and race while driving under the influence of alcohol. The judge apparently agreed with Couch’s lawyers and their expert psychologist witness, who claimed that Couch was the victim of “affluenza” and because his parents let him do whatever he wanted without any consequences for his whole life, he did not know right from wrong, and therefore could not understand the consequences of his actions.
Many liberals were furious at this outcome, and I have to agree with them. The idea that rich children can’t tell right from wrong is ridiculous. This is America, and in America. And in America, like in every civilized free market nation, the very definition of what’s right is what rich people want, and the definition of wrong is what rich people don’t want. Rich understand this from birth. Meanwhile people from poor and middle class backgrounds need a graduate degree in economics or political science before they can understand this.
If anyone should be in prison, it’s the parents of the accident victims who should be punished for slowing down the advance of business by not getting out of the way when rich people zoom on by, on the road to freedom prosperity.